You don't get to say that

"If I wanted a toy I would have gone for a 22 year old with no kids..." 

A year and a half into our relationship you said you couldn't handle the kids. So I backed then off, seeing them on my own time at my parents house so you would not have to worry about them being at what I thought of as our house. I always invited you, you could never make it. I don't think you get to say anything about my parenting, knowing full well what was going on at that time. I don't think you are even allowed that analogy since you were given every opportunity to have a relationship with my children and you chose not to. I nurtured you and put my all into caring for you, yes I will admit I slowly slowed in this as you began to show how you truly felt. You were doing all you could to get me out when all you had to do was be honest about your feelings with me and talk to me. It wasn't you didn't call enough, it was you never wanted to make time to see me or the kids or doing anything with us or me alone. It would be nice if you ever cared to listen to me. So I let these thoughts out here...

Screams

It is so quiet at my house at night... You can hear the waves beat the sand... Sometimes I hear owls... Sometimes I hear screams... 

These are such beauties. They bring such joy, I am not sure why. For me they are a comfort..

Values

Has social networking ruined people to some degree? It seems no one has issue being outright rude and cruel and hateful when not in person. In an age where communication is very often in text form this can be quite a dangerous thing for society. Days of the golden rule and respect seem to be a shadow, chivalry a mockery. It frightens me to think we have an entire generation who feel they are not responsible so much of what they do. It is even more frightening there are 30somethings who cement this thinking into them. All of this we scream about society.. Freedom, choice, respect, equality, tolerance... It has to start somewhere but no one wants to step together or even bend. Like the two parties who want the same things yet instead of discussing solutions they bicker about who is more stupid or bigoted. It is a set up for failure. Is that where we are all headed? Ultimate failure? Even if one bends to come to a meeting point the other side never fails to dig in their heels and focus on irrelevance.  Nothing accomplished but continued opposition. It gets old. It gets tiring. What am I supposed to tell my kids? I try to be honest with them on all fronts, they know what I do and how society feels about it. They know I have to take precautions for their safety. I also try to tell them how people can be but it is so hard. I don't want them to be jaded. Even after all I have been through there is still faith in me somewhere. It is small and pushed in a tiny corner of me but it is there. It is me, my core, and will never go away. I will always see good in even those who have wronged me past the point of no return. Even when they go against everything they ever said to me and have shown their true ways. The sadness will pass and I will dig it out and find light there again but not today. Not allowing ourselves or others to feel their feelings and respecting them is something no longer valued by people it seems. This is something I will instill in my daughters. This trait will bring a natural compassion beyond measure. But two little girls are not enough. Not when so many raising other little souls to believe the opposite. I am sad most for my daughters. I know there is nothing I can do about what they will encounter in this light. I know I cannot protect them from these hurts and I know they will experience them. I know they will be kicked while they are down, if not a few times, as this painful truth has been done to me so recently. I never before thought people were truly capable to the magnitude it was brought but it is so. I can see why people would want Internet regulation and I can see why it should not be done. It is a matter of values and morals in the end. When people no longer care for such things where are we then? 

Love

Is it so easy to toss the words "I love you" around? I don't say it to many and almost everyone I have has been one who has been around, I can count on them being around for the rest of our days. We all have those few who we've expressed such sentiments to that have gone. I can understand when disease makes it hard to stay even if you think you love them. I can see the task and burden too much to bear. I suppose I can see how resentments can get in the way of love, was it really love then? How do we know it is forever love? Falling in love is not a choice.... Maintaining love very much one, perhaps I am wrong in that belief. Maybe that is one of my shortcomings. I was told recently I do not know how to recognize my own problems. If that person ever stumbles upon this post I would like to refer him to my post, I believe entitled tagged, I am very much aware of my problems. We all have a past we deal with. Some of us live in it, some of us dwell on it, some of us reach for it. Do we ever truly move on from it? Just as pieces of ourselves go with lost connections I believe our pasts remain with us just as our choices and mistakes do. They can ruin us at times, they can provide strength in others. How funny this coming from me after my recent posts huh? Excuse me as I drift...does love mean berating our heart of hearts for past abuses they may have endured or choices they made even when done for them? What is crossing the line in love? Is love meeting in the middle, explaining each side, accepting working out a solution and moving forward? The refusal to compromise, to hear another out, then to profess love, what do you call that? To know the one you are professing your love for is going through things that make some things out of their control would you offer patience or belittle them? 

What motivates one to toy with another? Are two people's views of the same situation really so different? Do people seriously try to get someone who was there to believe a situation was what it wasn't? I do not trust when people say they love me. What do they love? When they leave they make sure to rip me apart so what is the point? I give them all I can even when I am nothing but it never seems enough. And yet for some reason I have faith it is out there. I do not think I will come across it again as I just don't think I will be here long enough. So I will continue to revel in the love of my family, my children, and those few friends who I know will be around until the end of my days. <3

...

Breast cancer was one thing. Okay, kinda expected, let's deal with it. Thankfully was given information about something that would help. Took it, surgery to remove the shrunken tumor from said stuff, saved breast. Done and done. Plugging away trying to recover, sucks.. I'm tired and grumpy but trying to maintain a good front... but my numbers don't look good. Hey, you have a different kind now. In a different spot with a different name entirely. Whoa this isn't right... What is going on... This is rare and strong and a killer. Fight, fight, fight. With everything. The doctors... the illness... time... my ex... myself... the one person who was supposed to be my home. You won't live to see next year... How does one deal with that? Fight, fight, fight. Hey you made it... you beat it... Remission. Continued to take the stuff... Stayed on their diets... Rode my bike... Drowned in work. Not feeling so hot... A month or two passes... Numbers don't look good. 

Hey, it's back. It's bad. Hang on, it's going to be a long tough battle. 

One call can paralyze a person.

I don't want to...

My resolve is gone. 

stick a fork in me

I am done. I am tired. I am tired of fighting cancer. It is a dark blob in the back if my mind, not literally but daily. Even when in remission it still sits there festering waiting to take me. Sometimes it seems hopeless. It's gone it's back it's gone it's back. People around me are terrible and I am trying to find my way around a cluttered room with a black pillow case over my head. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Everyone asks how I am like they care. Someone can tell you they love you then discard you like nothing even though they did exactly as they claim you did. I'm just tired. I don't want to be here right now.