Strength

This really speaks to me. It makes me understand that boy did not deserve me or my love. My love is true and strong. Once I love you I will give you the world, I will do what you need. If you return my love just as strongly and we work together to maintain it I will do all I can for you and then some. If you half assedly reciprocate I will still go above and beyond for you. If you lie to me and prove yourself, as this says, weak then I will only go so far for you before I do nothing for you at all. He truly lost a great woman, a great love, and in the end a beautiful friend. Exactly the kind he was always looking for, exactly the kind he strives for and wishes he could be. He lacks sincerity, he lacks honesty, and he lacks the know how to be real. Pity would be fitting but he doesn't deserve that.

It's okay to feel your feelings

I tried so hard to explain my feelings to him. I try to do this with everyone. I do not want there to be misunderstanding and I do not want others to feel they are the source if my anger or sadness if they are not. He took this all for granted and only expressed anger at me. Every time I tried to get him to explain he just remained silent. I have to remind myself of these things, I cannot allow this to happen again. Hearts are fragile toys so easy to forget. I need to stop loving him. I don't know how...

stop

I need to stop. I know I do. I just do not know what the hell I did to deserve what he did to me and why did it have to be when I had cancer? Being berated for feeling lonely, tired, sad, angry from the one person who was supposed to be my safe zone was just more than I can bear. He lied to me and toyed with me. He couldn't even talk to me or end things well. I gave him all I could. I gave him my heart, my life, my all. I helped him and only him, going to my appointments alone. Dealing with doctors alone. He never asked about them or how I felt. He didn't even think of it. I dealt with my life without him then I helped him with his. He had no concern for what I had to do, my kids, my illness. It was only him, his feelings, and his friends and their feelings. Mine didn't matter. He is not responsible for anyone's feelings, he says, especially mine. But he could tell me he loved me. All the while I did what I could. He gets to walk away and everything is fine. Not a thought to how he tore my life up in what seemed in a conspiracy with the cancer, not a thought to how he ripped me, my heart to shreds. Perhaps I did deserve it. Maybe him telling me to kill myself had merit. Maybe he is this beautiful wonderful person and I am the callous cruel one. It was never just him, always him and his friends.

:)

It is not enough to help the feeble up, but to support him after. William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616) None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we're trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other? ...There will always be those in the days ahead who will be inclined to bash ourselves and others, but we cannot allow a heavy, crushing blow to destroy us or deter our personal progress. Marvin J. Ashton (1915 - 1994) I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as King as I would wish to do without the help and support of the woman I love. King Edward VIII (1894 - 1972) Whenever there remains any support for the ego within, even if it be only an atom's weight, then you are pretentious and have a devil who leads you astray. Ibn Ata'Allah Support your friends - even in their mistakes. But be clear, however, that it is the friend and not the mistake you are supporting. Hugh Prather We falsely attribute to men a determined character - putting together all their yesterdays - and averaging them - we presume we know them. Pity the man who has character to support - it is worse than a large family - he is the silent poor indeed. Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. Fred Allen (1894 - 1956) That government is best which governs the least, so taught the courageous founders of this nation. This simple declaration is diametrically opposed to the all too common philosophy that the government should protect and support one from the cradle to the grave. The policy of the Founding Fathers has made our people and our nation strong. The opposite leads inevitably to moral decay. Ezra Taft Benson (1899 - 1994) Nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship. Cicero (106 - 43 BC) A supreme love, a motive that gives a sublime rhythm to a woman's life, and exalts habit into partnership with the soul's highest needs, is not to be had where and how she wills. George Eliot (1819 - 1880) ✔A Friend's Love says: " If you ever need anything, I'll be there." True Love says: " You'll never need anything; because I'll be there." Jim Hollemans ✔Matter should not matter at all in true love As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship does not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming. Leo Buscaglia The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds Nicholas Sparks Then do we still need our soul mate? Oh, yes, I say, because this is the bed through which the river of our life flows from another transcendental reality, this is the infinite on which the horizon of our heart rests in other dreams or transcendental realities. Sorin Cerin The degree to which you love yourself will determine your ability to love the other person, who will be reflecting back to you many of your own personality traits and qualities. Sanaya Roman We all want Great Love because this is how we are built. We so often use this expression of the soul mates. We all want it to be true because, when we truly find our soul mates, we all want to end forever this continuous torment which is our own existence. Every time, the result is cruel and precise. The torment of our life will never end as long as we live. Sorin Cerin Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate. David Pratt I call the light and high aspects of my being spirit and the dark and heavy aspects soul. Soul is at home in the deep, shaded valleys. Heavy torpid flowers saturated with black grow there. The rivers flow like warm syrup. They empty into huge oceans of soul. Spirit is a land of high white peaks and glittering jewel-like lakes and flowers. Life is sparse and sounds travel great distances. There is soul music, soul food, and soul love... People need to climb the mountain not simple because it is there But because the soulful divinity needs to be mated with the spirit. Paradoxically, all these wonderful dimensions that we want for our being are completely missing, being a hope, a dream about the perfection of the being. Then this hope and dream of perfection is materialized in the vision we have on our soul mate. Moreover, if we are under the impression that we know what we would want as perfection, it always remains a mere false impression and nothing more, because then the event of a Great Love occurs, we realize that what we thought to be perfection is false, and the novelty of the new imagine on the perfection embodies by the lover makes us feel that intense feeling of suffocating love, precisely because we find our new standard for perfection, which becomes this way superior to the old one. Sorin Cerin “Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions.” ― Dallin H. Oaks “The Principle of Priority states (a) you must know the difference between what is urgent and what is important, and (b) you must do what’s important first.” “Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things.” ― Robert Louis Stevenson “Action expresses priorities “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Had you bothered to listen...

Before you told me to kill myself i was going to send you this even though i knew every word would be meaningless to you.....I do love you. as I have told you before you are the love of my life. I never wanted your soul. I believe you when you say you love me yet I don't believe it is a love that is forever. i think my idea of this kind of love and yours are very different. I don't think you feel we are meant to be as I did. I am not sure anymore. I still believe you are correct when you said our values and fundamentals are too different for us to be together. I wonder why we still pretend we are. you don't feel responsible for anyone else's feelings even if you may have hurt them. unconditional love is something we don't see eye to eye on either. sharing holidays or birthdays or important events is not important to you, at least with me, I am not your family so it is understandable. it doesn't matter that I brought you into my family and you were treated as such and were part of it, it doesn't seem important to you. I understand when you tell me you haven't talked to your mom for weeks, I do understand the point, my point is she doesn't have to worry about not being in your life someday other than death. she doesn't have to wonder whether you love her or not. you will be there for holidays and important times. I do not have a position like that in your heart and mind. this is where some of my insecurity comes from with your feelings for me. when you got upset at me for being sad it broke my heart. I felt like you didn't understand what I was going through and you didn't want to try. I felt like you blew off my illness and expected me to be normal even though the depression and pain was a lot. I didn't come to you with it because I thought you would get upset with me and blow it off again. the days I had the nerve to tell you I wasn't feeling well or was lonely or scared you got upset with me. and when we have talked i take it from you that I deserve non of that. you don't tell me how you feel other than "I love you". I don't know if you will be around tomorrow or not. there is no security there when you so easily say "okay!" when I ask you to tell me when you start looking at other women as you once did me. But you couldn't even do that. I'm not mad or upset. I don't want to fight over our feelings for one another. that is all it comes down to when I want to talk to you about it but you want to go into how it was for you, never mind how I saw things. things are different with us now, going back to how it was isn't fair to either of us, that is why I don't bring it up and only stick to our feelings or our relationship as it is now. all I have ever wanted to know was how you feel about me. do I have reason to invest the whole of my heart or should I protect it from the inevitable end? I don't know what you want with me. should I wait for you to have time for a relationship? should I move on? if you don't feel like we should be together why are we trying? I want to be in love. I want to share my life with someone who wants to share their life with me. I want someone who wants to share their heart and family and life. someone who adores me as I do them and someone who is proud to have me with them. if the cancer comes back I don't want to be made to feel badly about any depression or sickness I may be feeling. someone who will understand and hold me. I want to be a priority for them as they are for me. a partner and soulmate and a deep love. this doesn't seem to be anything you believe in or feel for me. and it is okay. I don't expect you to change your heart or the way you are. I try to get answers out of you for these things but you get mad and go off then it is pointless. I don't say any of this to make you feel bad. I am sharing with you how I feel so maybe you will have a better understanding of my insecurities and feelings. I have never been made to feel so bad about myself in my life. I have never been looked down on for being as insecure as the next person. I have tried to alleviate them by asking you to clarify but it turns into how terrible I am again without even listening to what I am saying or asking. I know emotions get the better of us at times but we can't talk about anything because it turns right back into that. if we can't share our feelings what are we doing? should I just keep my mouth shut and do as you say and not be my own person? for some reason I am not valid to you. I don't want to talk about the time we don't spend together. I don't want to talk about the conversations we don't have. I don't talk because every time I do I am looked down on or berated for feelings I may have. I don't think you would be so mad at me for my feelings if you felt I was your love. I think you would be a lot different if you were in love with me. the way you were when it was pure attraction. maybe that is all it ever was and will be between us. a strong physical attraction. maybe there is nothing more for us and pushing it is just plain silly. I wonder sometimes if you were in love with me or if it is pure pride/ego, I told you so type of situation. the plain and simple fact that you and I both know, you went so far as to vocalize it to me when we were talking about Ryan and hashi, if you wanted to be with me and are in love with me you would act like it. you would want to spend time with me. you would want to talk to me. you would get upset not seeing me like you used to. you would get upset if we didn't talk like you used to. I would be a priority for you. you would want to see me everyday like you used to. it doesn't seem like we have any of that anymore. so I don't know where to put you in my heart. every time I have brought up your feelings for me you have gotten pissed and go back to the past. well all that was a year ago. in the past year we have barely spent any time together let alone talk or share our lives. we didn't spend our birthdays together or holidays. these things aren't important to you or I am not important enough to share them with. all that aside all I want to know is how you feel what you want out of this and if we should even bother anymore. I am tired of this fake relationship. I want something real. our ideas of sharing a life together are two different concepts.

shame

I wonder if it occurred to anyone in that house that she had cancer and what that meant. Did they understand why she may have been sad or angry or confused. To wake up everyday being elated to be alive just to be slammed with pain reminding you just how numbered your days might well be. Then to look to her partner with fear that he would do nothing but belittle her or berate her for her weakness, which he did often enough as it was. When she sought comfort it was never to his liking thus becoming a fight. I wonder if any of them sitting there late at night, their reason for being there well taken care of, ever thought that maybe when she got home she was exhausted, in pain and just wanted to come home to who she thought loved her. I wonder if they ever considered that she was not angry with them at all, but maybe her condition and the fact he did not seem to care. He blamed it on them, he had no control he said. Oh poppycock. You tell them to get what they need and as much as you like them if they could leave so his girlfriend riddled with cancer comes home to just him or they could have dinner and a semblance of normalcy it would be greatly appreciated Instead she was the ass for asking for anything close to such, the one who did not understand. I always wondered why he couldn't handle it. Why she was not important enough to him, why express his love of her if he clearly did not. You could see it plain as day. Anyone who came in that house could. Nothing she did was good enough. He wouldn't even give her slack because of the cancer. She helped him too, that he of course downplays. She is stronger than that though. She is smarter. It just sucks to think that people wouldn't take all that into consideration and it sucks that they might allow a one sided story decide the judgement of the other person. it sucks that people can be like the above. it amazes me when I think about it. the worst thing a person can go through and he tore her up. But still remains the golden boy... it is a shame really that more people do not see who he really is... maybe they do... I did...

reality is cruel

So what was thought that we could ride the storm was not true. It turned out David could not talk to me. He stopped sharing his heart and I wonder if he ever really shared it all. I moved out after a year and a half. He changed and I did too, my reaction to his lack of desire to bond with me or even be with me anymore. He didn't care if we did anything together and he didn't care about the girls. I came home to a house full of people at all times, it did not matter that I lived there, he did not care, only when it came to what he needed. He only cared about what I could do for him. I gave him my growing knowledge. I took responsibility for that grow failing even though had the guy who was to execute the job actually done so things would have been fine. He said it was all worthless. I kept that house clean or in the least presentable, bringing all my dishes and pans to use. He always had clean clothes and the bathrooms were always clean, the house didn't have inches of dust in the window sills. I didn't do enough he said. I helped his shop and his people who came to the house as much as he let me, only admitting to this once, every other time it wasn't enough. All throughout this was fighting for my life. He did not talk to me about it. He didn't care how I felt. He made me feel bad for being sad, or angry, or not feeling well or tired. He abandoned me at social functions and berated me in front of people. He asked I not make him my dirty little secret so I brought him into my life, my family. He never shared anything so deep with me. Why did he tell me he loved me then? The last year and a half he always said he loved me, always said he missed me and called me baby. I asked him time and again for clarity how he felt about me if I was the one for him. He met me with silence or lies or evasion. He never could ask me anything just said what he needed and expected me to jump which I usually did. I helped him fix the sorry plants in his garage. I paid to figure out what the plant was he paid for, but it was worthless to him. His playing rent, phone bill, food, and being nice always prevailed. He talks shit on everyone, and justifies it. He thinks it is okay. He said to me this girl was a druggie and a whore but he was with her before he showed up at my house at 1a trying to sleep with me telling me he loved me. He was sick the next day and like every time he was sick before I took care of him. Iced him to get his fever down gave him Meds fed him gave him juices had him sleep. I never saw him again. The next I hear from him he tells me to kill myself the world will be better off, he tells me we were just friends I was too stupid to realize it. He thought sleeping together was an option. A week before he told me he did not want me to date anyone, a week before that I asked him to break up with me so I could care about someone who really cared for me. The week before that I explained why him acting like we are together was agony for me he said nothing. After he told me to kill myself he completely blocked me out in every way, completely ran away from it all. Of course he got to say all he wanted to, I apologized and tried to explain but he never could give me so much. I did not deserve the truth, his true feelings, or his heart and he didn't have the balls to tell me so. I truly loved him with all my heart, I shared myself with him for nothing. I know he didn't love me. I feel so stupid. It hurts so much. If I wasn't fighting cancer through all this it would be just another jerk. The problem here is I deserved such better care and support and I was so stupid to love him. =^..^=