reality is cruel

So what was thought that we could ride the storm was not true. It turned out David could not talk to me. He stopped sharing his heart and I wonder if he ever really shared it all. I moved out after a year and a half. He changed and I did too, my reaction to his lack of desire to bond with me or even be with me anymore. He didn't care if we did anything together and he didn't care about the girls. I came home to a house full of people at all times, it did not matter that I lived there, he did not care, only when it came to what he needed. He only cared about what I could do for him. I gave him my growing knowledge. I took responsibility for that grow failing even though had the guy who was to execute the job actually done so things would have been fine. He said it was all worthless. I kept that house clean or in the least presentable, bringing all my dishes and pans to use. He always had clean clothes and the bathrooms were always clean, the house didn't have inches of dust in the window sills. I didn't do enough he said. I helped his shop and his people who came to the house as much as he let me, only admitting to this once, every other time it wasn't enough. All throughout this was fighting for my life. He did not talk to me about it. He didn't care how I felt. He made me feel bad for being sad, or angry, or not feeling well or tired. He abandoned me at social functions and berated me in front of people. He asked I not make him my dirty little secret so I brought him into my life, my family. He never shared anything so deep with me. Why did he tell me he loved me then? The last year and a half he always said he loved me, always said he missed me and called me baby. I asked him time and again for clarity how he felt about me if I was the one for him. He met me with silence or lies or evasion. He never could ask me anything just said what he needed and expected me to jump which I usually did. I helped him fix the sorry plants in his garage. I paid to figure out what the plant was he paid for, but it was worthless to him. His playing rent, phone bill, food, and being nice always prevailed. He talks shit on everyone, and justifies it. He thinks it is okay. He said to me this girl was a druggie and a whore but he was with her before he showed up at my house at 1a trying to sleep with me telling me he loved me. He was sick the next day and like every time he was sick before I took care of him. Iced him to get his fever down gave him Meds fed him gave him juices had him sleep. I never saw him again. The next I hear from him he tells me to kill myself the world will be better off, he tells me we were just friends I was too stupid to realize it. He thought sleeping together was an option. A week before he told me he did not want me to date anyone, a week before that I asked him to break up with me so I could care about someone who really cared for me. The week before that I explained why him acting like we are together was agony for me he said nothing. After he told me to kill myself he completely blocked me out in every way, completely ran away from it all. Of course he got to say all he wanted to, I apologized and tried to explain but he never could give me so much. I did not deserve the truth, his true feelings, or his heart and he didn't have the balls to tell me so. I truly loved him with all my heart, I shared myself with him for nothing. I know he didn't love me. I feel so stupid. It hurts so much. If I wasn't fighting cancer through all this it would be just another jerk. The problem here is I deserved such better care and support and I was so stupid to love him. =^..^=