Had you bothered to listen...

Before you told me to kill myself i was going to send you this even though i knew every word would be meaningless to you.....I do love you. as I have told you before you are the love of my life. I never wanted your soul. I believe you when you say you love me yet I don't believe it is a love that is forever. i think my idea of this kind of love and yours are very different. I don't think you feel we are meant to be as I did. I am not sure anymore. I still believe you are correct when you said our values and fundamentals are too different for us to be together. I wonder why we still pretend we are. you don't feel responsible for anyone else's feelings even if you may have hurt them. unconditional love is something we don't see eye to eye on either. sharing holidays or birthdays or important events is not important to you, at least with me, I am not your family so it is understandable. it doesn't matter that I brought you into my family and you were treated as such and were part of it, it doesn't seem important to you. I understand when you tell me you haven't talked to your mom for weeks, I do understand the point, my point is she doesn't have to worry about not being in your life someday other than death. she doesn't have to wonder whether you love her or not. you will be there for holidays and important times. I do not have a position like that in your heart and mind. this is where some of my insecurity comes from with your feelings for me. when you got upset at me for being sad it broke my heart. I felt like you didn't understand what I was going through and you didn't want to try. I felt like you blew off my illness and expected me to be normal even though the depression and pain was a lot. I didn't come to you with it because I thought you would get upset with me and blow it off again. the days I had the nerve to tell you I wasn't feeling well or was lonely or scared you got upset with me. and when we have talked i take it from you that I deserve non of that. you don't tell me how you feel other than "I love you". I don't know if you will be around tomorrow or not. there is no security there when you so easily say "okay!" when I ask you to tell me when you start looking at other women as you once did me. But you couldn't even do that. I'm not mad or upset. I don't want to fight over our feelings for one another. that is all it comes down to when I want to talk to you about it but you want to go into how it was for you, never mind how I saw things. things are different with us now, going back to how it was isn't fair to either of us, that is why I don't bring it up and only stick to our feelings or our relationship as it is now. all I have ever wanted to know was how you feel about me. do I have reason to invest the whole of my heart or should I protect it from the inevitable end? I don't know what you want with me. should I wait for you to have time for a relationship? should I move on? if you don't feel like we should be together why are we trying? I want to be in love. I want to share my life with someone who wants to share their life with me. I want someone who wants to share their heart and family and life. someone who adores me as I do them and someone who is proud to have me with them. if the cancer comes back I don't want to be made to feel badly about any depression or sickness I may be feeling. someone who will understand and hold me. I want to be a priority for them as they are for me. a partner and soulmate and a deep love. this doesn't seem to be anything you believe in or feel for me. and it is okay. I don't expect you to change your heart or the way you are. I try to get answers out of you for these things but you get mad and go off then it is pointless. I don't say any of this to make you feel bad. I am sharing with you how I feel so maybe you will have a better understanding of my insecurities and feelings. I have never been made to feel so bad about myself in my life. I have never been looked down on for being as insecure as the next person. I have tried to alleviate them by asking you to clarify but it turns into how terrible I am again without even listening to what I am saying or asking. I know emotions get the better of us at times but we can't talk about anything because it turns right back into that. if we can't share our feelings what are we doing? should I just keep my mouth shut and do as you say and not be my own person? for some reason I am not valid to you. I don't want to talk about the time we don't spend together. I don't want to talk about the conversations we don't have. I don't talk because every time I do I am looked down on or berated for feelings I may have. I don't think you would be so mad at me for my feelings if you felt I was your love. I think you would be a lot different if you were in love with me. the way you were when it was pure attraction. maybe that is all it ever was and will be between us. a strong physical attraction. maybe there is nothing more for us and pushing it is just plain silly. I wonder sometimes if you were in love with me or if it is pure pride/ego, I told you so type of situation. the plain and simple fact that you and I both know, you went so far as to vocalize it to me when we were talking about Ryan and hashi, if you wanted to be with me and are in love with me you would act like it. you would want to spend time with me. you would want to talk to me. you would get upset not seeing me like you used to. you would get upset if we didn't talk like you used to. I would be a priority for you. you would want to see me everyday like you used to. it doesn't seem like we have any of that anymore. so I don't know where to put you in my heart. every time I have brought up your feelings for me you have gotten pissed and go back to the past. well all that was a year ago. in the past year we have barely spent any time together let alone talk or share our lives. we didn't spend our birthdays together or holidays. these things aren't important to you or I am not important enough to share them with. all that aside all I want to know is how you feel what you want out of this and if we should even bother anymore. I am tired of this fake relationship. I want something real. our ideas of sharing a life together are two different concepts.