stop

I need to stop. I know I do. I just do not know what the hell I did to deserve what he did to me and why did it have to be when I had cancer? Being berated for feeling lonely, tired, sad, angry from the one person who was supposed to be my safe zone was just more than I can bear. He lied to me and toyed with me. He couldn't even talk to me or end things well. I gave him all I could. I gave him my heart, my life, my all. I helped him and only him, going to my appointments alone. Dealing with doctors alone. He never asked about them or how I felt. He didn't even think of it. I dealt with my life without him then I helped him with his. He had no concern for what I had to do, my kids, my illness. It was only him, his feelings, and his friends and their feelings. Mine didn't matter. He is not responsible for anyone's feelings, he says, especially mine. But he could tell me he loved me. All the while I did what I could. He gets to walk away and everything is fine. Not a thought to how he tore my life up in what seemed in a conspiracy with the cancer, not a thought to how he ripped me, my heart to shreds. Perhaps I did deserve it. Maybe him telling me to kill myself had merit. Maybe he is this beautiful wonderful person and I am the callous cruel one. It was never just him, always him and his friends.